Once
Street Fighter was born, the games industry decided to hit into
overdrive and soon a plethora of pixellized trolls, hitmen, war
machines, skanky prostitutes and 3D boobs start to emerge. Like
everybody else I was trapped by the never ending storyline, the
complicated mess of stages and killing game bosses that refuse to
die but I also realize that these game companies have one thing
in mind – to own your soul.
If you
do not curb your games addiction, you will squander your youth
and soon you will look back and realised that you have acheived
nothing in life except for the top score in Pac Man.
From
the cradle to the grave indeed!
Eventually,
I ditch my vintage Nintendo and bought a PlayStation with the
money I got from serving my National Service. I was getting $300++
a month so I decided to dump everything on a game console. They
already took 2 and half years of my prime so it is appropriate
that I use 100% of the money on some kind of a reward. My first
game was Resident Evil. I was amazed by the amount of detail that
the game developers put into the graphics. Raccoon City looks
like the back alleys of Desker Road… newspaper thrown everywhere,
garbage, wrecked cars, the horny zombies trying to grope you.
Honestly it did feel kinda eerie walking alone and dodging a bunch
of corpses. But soon I realize that playing games on the Play
Station is not as simple as playing games on the vintage Nintendo.
The old games are quite direct, games nowadays are like solving
a murder case.
I
hate it when I found random insignificant stuff in Raccoon City
and the game asked me if I want to keep it.
“You
have found a dented coin. Do you want to keep it?”
Dented
coin? Who the heck needs a dented coin? So I ditch the twisted
metal and move on, only to find out that in level 526, you need
a dented coin to open a wooden door because the wooden door
have a “dented slot”. Vulgarities would be appropriate
be now. Nevermind that I have a shotgun in my hand and I can
easily blast the wooden door wide open, nooooo.. the game requires
a dented coin and it will not move forward without it so I have
to go back to level 15 to find the wretched coin and soon, I
find myself rummaging through 3D garbage cans like a homeless
person. I can’t find anything in my messy room and they
expect me to find a coin in Raccoon City.
Riiiiiiiiight.
And
the worst part is, even if I try to pick up everything I found,
I can’t do that.
“Sorry
you can only carry 5 items.”
Actually
that’s kinda realistic, you can’t be a karang guni
man and pick up everything you see right?! I already have a
shotgun, an AK-47, 1 Bazooka, 1 hand gun and 1 condom (these
zombies definitely have somekind of STD).. I can’t possibly
be sliding in one dented coin in my pocket right? Next game
please!
But
I have a mechanical hacksaw arm!
Another
game I find annoying is Metal Gear Solid. I am now a mercenary
by the name of Snake. The first level is already a bitch. The
place is filled with guards. I almost feel like I’m at Changi
prison, trying to escape. But one by one, I manage to stab the
guards on the neck with my trusted dagger. The game requires me
to climb this metal staircase to get to the 2nd storey and after
bursting jugular after jugular, I finally reach the top but there’s
one problem... it’s a dead end.
So
Mr Snake suddenly becomes Mr. Bean, frantically thinking on
where to go next. The game did not give you a blinking arrow,
a clue, a finger pointing sexy host or something to tell you
what to do next. So I have to go downstairs, check all the CGI
boxes, feel walls for hidden switches.. and soon I am molesting
dead bodies out of boredom. They by a stroke of luck, I accidentally
hit the down key which made my character squat and soon he was
crawling in a tiny vent. And I realized that only after 3 weeks.
Game developers came up with another way to make money- create
games so complex and gather all clue and hints in a book for
gamers to buy? Sweet.
I think buying magazines and books because
you are stuck in a game is ridiculous.
Soon
I migrated to PC games and I fell in love with this game called
Commandos. Mr Dooba and me played a lot of Commandos when we were
in NS. Now this game is awesome because of the AI. The Nazi soldiers
behave totally like.... Nazi soldiers. I give you an example,
when you walk on the snow, your footprints can be seen and if
a Nazi soldier sees your tracks, he will set off the alarms! Setting
off the alarms means you are pretty much screwed.
More ways to be a
dummy Commando and have Nazi soldiers set off the alarms on
you:
1) You kill some soldiers and leave their dead bodies in the
open. ( You have to bury or hide them bodies. You are a Commando
remember!)
2) You overuse a
decoy. A soldier is so smart that he will not check out a decoy
on the 3rd time. ( a decoy is a small wooden box with sound
to distract soldiers)
3) He can hear and
smell your fart. As a commando please press ALT+SHIFT to fart
silently.
4)
You defecate and leave feces on the battleground (Please release
all excrements on leaves and wrapped them nicely ala Nasi Lemak
and place them in your pockets.)
1) The
commando is crawling but he leaves tracks on the snow.
2) The Nazi soldier sees him and about to release some major hitler
style ass whopping.
A Nazi soldier alarmed by a doodie in the middle of the courtyard!
Now
the game I love the most is Command and Conquer GENERALS. Don’t
be mistaken, I don’t like every single Command and Conquer
series.. I only like this one:P cause it depicts the modern day
army!
Want to be Osama, but
you lack funding? Try this game!
Proud of your Chinese
race and want to obliterate everybody else? Try this game!
A fan of Bush and want
to fight terror?! Try this game.
This is how it works,
you are given 3 armies to choose from. You can choose the US army
(powerful fighter jets, scanning capabilities to know where your
enemies are, copters etc.), the China Army (massive soldiers,
tanks so HUGE it will make you pee if the enemy makes a dozen)
and my favorite.. The Muslim army aka GLA (very poor, complaining
slaves with no shoes, pickup trucks and a bunch of mujahideen
fighting for the cause) Haha now that’s awesome.
Playing with the computer
is pretty easy. I got so bored that I made hundreds of soldiers
fight a bunch of tanks. The real madness comes when you play online
with other players.. nothing beats the intelligence of a 10 year
old cause these bastards will stop at nothing to win. They will
secure oil wells in 14 seconds flat and they will rain you with
nuclear bombs again and again. I don’t know how many times
I have laugh and cry in front of the PC late into the night with
only my sarong and my Civil Defence beret. And it always fun to
surprise your enemy with a pick-up truck packed with suicide bombers!
In NS I'm a lowly clerk but at home, I'm
a ruthless general!
Man, I love this game! GO BUY IT!
China
will be victorious!
If you
want sophisticated weapons, control the US Army!
My body is in the office, but my mind is on Command and Conquer!
Last
but not least, I should close this game article with Counter Strike.
Yes…You have to lan-lan play this lan gaming thing. Without
elaborating much about the game, I just wanna say that its fun for
1 hour and after that you will effectively get a migraine. I can
never get used to the POV or “1st person shooter” as
the game terminolody calls it. But I love the way the game have
very realistic weapons.. like flash bangs and smoke grenades. I
don’t know how many times I was flashed and my whole screen
turned white. As soon as it clears, I would lie motionless butt
naked and feeling used. Besides stealing your manhood, Counter Strike
is also a game notorious for stealing your dignity cause the evil
players of counter strike doesn’t just wanna kill you, they
wanna kill you in the most degenerate way possible.
I give you some examples:
1) The sneak up behind you and kill you with a dagger instead
of a gun even though they can.
2) They vandalize your
already motionless corpse with spray paint, giving zero respect
to the CGI dead.
3) They align your
dead character's face to their crotch and hit the down and up
arrow keys, making a motion call the tea-bag. I know.. it's sick.
4) They wait for all
your team members to die and gang rape you with daggers.
5) They purposely aim
for your groin and keep shooting your groin even though you are
dead.
6) They switch off
all the lights and strip you character naked before doing experiments
with your CGI genitalia.
Even though the game depict real life weapons
and surroundings, the tactics are not.
You must not let the terrorists have the oversized pencils!
Watch
a victim getting tea bag! This game is called Halo..
it's not counterstrike but the teabaggin is the same.
I
do plan to make games for Happeepill in the FAR, FAR, DISTANT future.
When I do, I’ll make myself as the last Boss and you will
never be able to defeat me! Bwaahahaah!
