When I was a kid I was banned from drinking coffee. I don’t know what the big deal was but my parents would treat the beverage like some sort of powerful potion only grownups could drink. Whenever I wanted a sip, my Mum would make me a mug of Milo instead.

33 years later, I am now a burly cave man with hair on my chest. I am able to do whatever I want without my parents’ consent… (we’ll almost.  -__-)  And this includes drinking the drink once forbidden to me. However, over the years, I also realize I have adopted an odd relationship with coffee. Here is a list.

1) Hyper mode ON!
I am already high strung as it is. My heart beat is similar to a hamster’s… and that is when I am CALM. My high metabolism rate is one of the reasons why it’s hard for me to gain weight. Since I have been deprived of caffeine for the most part of my life, my body reacts strongly violently to it. One small cup will make me stay awake for more than 12 hours.

And that is why I would never EVER buy any Red Bull or any energy drinks. That is of course if I plan to stay up for 3 days straight.

Have you guys tried Red Cow? Doesn’t taste like milk at all!

“Urine + Ginseng?” Ermmm.. no thanks.

2) I need to be careful with coffee in disguise.
So that means, I don’t drink coffee every day. I just can’t… because coffee will jack up my sleeping pattern. However, sometimes, I do tend to forget and drink a whole grande of Mocha Frappuccino… at 11pm. My brain seems to forget that Starbucks is a place where they sell coffee.. NOT brown colored slurpees.

3) Once I drink coffee, I need to poop at exactly 1 hour 49 mins and 32 seconds.
We’ll not that exact but I do need to go. I don’t know why but coffee is like a natural laxative for me. Once I down a cup, I would make a conscious effort to be aware of the nearest toilet because after an hour or so, I am going to need it. I wonder if any of you have the same problem?

So it’s no surprise I also call coffee by its other nick name – The Poopy Juice.

4) I don’t make coffee. I buy them.
I never did realize how trouble-some it is to make coffee until I tinkered with a coffee-maker at work. I saw pieces of filters and raw coffee beans and I immediately gave up. Why can’t they just come in bags like tea. I am already stressed enough working as a graphic designer at some kiasu SME… now I need to be a barista just to make some Poopy Juice?!

On top of that, you need to thoroughly clean the machine after you are done making a jug. That is why till today, I do not know how to work a coffee maker machine and I have no intention to learn. I rather buy my cup and it only cost me a dollar.

1 cup of Poopy Juice in the morning to start your day,
Evil Bunny

I have the need to punch that smile off his stupid face.